I lost my patience with my father more than once over the holidays this year. This has happened before. I don’t like it. I promise myself, before the visit, that I’m not going to do it this year, that on this visit things will be different. But between blinking across the living room at him during the day and trying to sleep on a slowly deflating air mattress at night, my patience, once again, was in short supply.
My dad asks me things or makes observations that, for some reason, irritate me to no end. Example: I have an ancient air purifier in my apartment in New York that has needed a new filter for several years now. Once, during a visit, back when I was still living in New York, he figured out the model number for the filter. He wrote the number down in bold letters on a piece of masking tape–H2-10014–and taped it to the front of the purifier. And ever since, whenever I see him, he’ll say, out of the blue, “Hey, did you ever replace the filter on your air purifier in New York?”
I have not replaced that air filter yet. In fact, I’ve forgotten about the air filter entirely, since I haven’t lived in that apartment for several years now. For reasons I can’t easily explain, this seemingly innocent question makes my blood boil. “NO, I HAVE NOT REPLACED THAT AIR FILTER YET, GODDAMN IT,” I want to scream. But I don’t. Instead, I set my jaw, and try to breathe.
“No, dad,” I say, “I haven’t gotten around to it yet. But I will.”
A year or so ago he saw a cat bed advertised on TV called a Sunny Seat that attaches to a window and provides cats with a place to enjoy naps in the sun. He told me about it over the phone once. It was a nice gesture, especially coming from him, since he has never really had any use for cats in his life and no doubt remains baffled by the fact that his adult son owns two of them.
Now, whenever I see him, he’ll inevitably ask at some point, “Hey, did you ever get one of those cat beds that I told you about?”
The top of my head feels like the jittery lid on a pot of boiling water. Again, I set my jaw and breathe. Again, I try to respond in the most measured way possible: “No, dad, I did not buy one of those cat beds that you recommended I buy. But I will.”
He folds his arms when I tell him this. He seems disappointed, even though I’m pretty sure he knows the answers to these questions before he asks them.
Stage 5-1. Today’s stage, the very first in the DESERT stages, introduces us to an entirely new physical element: brick walls. These walls, which clog up the stage and resemble the rows on a Cadbury bar, must be destroyed in order for Mario to proceed. Question: Exactly how can they be destroyed? Answer: With a new, more powerful hammer-time hammer–that’s how.
The level is a one-screen experience, with the key located in the center at the very top of the level and the exit door located at the very bottom. In between are four tiers that are utterly clogged with brick. Tier one: I trigger the new super hammer power-up, which suddenly makes an oversized hammer appear in Mario’s hands. He swings with abandon as I move him directly into the brick clog. Brick detritus begins flying everywhere as Mario leaves a Mario-high tall path through the brick. On the far side of the brick clog is a ladder.
Obviously you can’t climb or jump with the hammer in hand. So in order to reach the next tier, you must toss the hammer into the air (B button), sending it skyward towards the next tier, then climb the ladder as fast as possible. If you reach the top of the ladder quickly enough, Mario will automatically re-grab the hammer and continue to swing away. Yes, this move is by far the coolest move in the game, so I’m officially renaming it Coolest Move in the Game going forward. Whenever I use that phrase going forward, you’ll now know what I’m referring to.
You should have enough time left on the hammer to buzz through half of the brick in the next tier. At the halfway point, sandwiched between two layers of brick, you’ll find a second hammer power-up. Grab this and buzz through the second half of the brick. Then, when you reach the ladder on the left, do a Coolest Move in the Game to reach the next tier.
Should your hammer-time power-up expire at any point, simply backtrack and trigger a new one. On the third tier, like a snowplow that moves brick out of the way instead of snow, knock your way through another brick clog, and head for the ladder all the way on the right. Pull off another C.M.I.T.G., and now you’re on the top level. In the middle of yet another brick sandwich is the key. You know what to do here.
Once you’ve got the key, use the vanishing bricks–which vanish beneath your feet when stepped on; they’re located on the right and left sides of each tier–to make a rapid descent back to the bottom. Time will be short at this point–it’s really you’re only enemy in this level–so don’t linger. Me, I reached the exit door with a mere nine seconds to spare.
I’m off to the airport this morning to catch a flight to the frozen tundra of Edmonton, where I’ll be visiting with the nice people at BioWare to discuss Mass Effect 3, among other things. I’m wearing a nice sweater today, just in case Dr. Ray or Dr. Greg are around. Man, I love those guys.
