Fact: You don’t actually see Donkey Kong himself very often in this game. Which is strange, since the game is called Donkey Kong. Sure, he puts in an appearance every now and then, the same way that Barbara Walters puts in appearances on TV’s The View, to remind everyone who the real boss is. But for the most part, D.K. remains hidden away behind the scenes, confident (perhaps overconfident?) that his 101 level-long gauntlet of death will finally get the best of Mario/me.
Yet once every four stages, D.K. does come out of hiding, and takes things into his own hands/paws. It’s during these stages that he promises to finish off Mario once and for all with one of his D.K.-designed Rube Goldberg-type devices. How I managed to make it through 44 stages and not use the term “Rube Goldberg-type device” is a mystery for the ages. Stage 4-12 is one of those “special” stages. I put the quotes around special, because these stages are becoming quite dry. I always get excited for these stages. I hope that something really challenging will happen here. Now the real fun begins, I think. But D.K. hasn’t seemed as inspired lately as he was in the earlier stages of the game. Maybe he’s not so hellbent on killing me anymore. Or maybe, after watching me survive 44 levels in a row, he’s starting to get discouraged. Either way, let’s begin.
The stage is divvied up into three sections: an upper, a middle, and a lower section. The upper section is basically off limits, so go ahead and forget about that section. It’s where Pauline hangs out and screams. The middle section is where D.K. stands and hurls his barrels and pounds his chest. And the lower section is where I start my journey.
The middle tier is bookended by danglers, which I can climb to reach D.K. in the middle section. As usual, Kong’s barrels, once hurled, sail through the air, until they land on the small platforms at the left or right of the middle tier. They mysterious upright themselves, violating at least seven laws of physics. Then they sit there, waiting for me to claim them, and hurl them at D.K. Now, care must be taken when climbing the danglers enroute to the stationary barrels, because D.K. is still hurling barrels as I’m climbing.
Also: keep an eye out for the occasional ghost mushroom. They travel about the level, and they will cause you to shrink down to Tiny Mario size, should you come into contact with one. The barrels, when tossed, travel in far more unpredictable patterns here than they have in previous levels of this type. Pro Tip: Observe D.K. carefully, and be prepared to leap from dangler to dangler to get out of the way of any rogue barrels.
Once you reach one of the stationary barrels, stand on top of it, and press the B button. This causes Mario to hoist the barrel above his head. Next, jump, with barrel in hand, towards D.K. and hurl the barrel at him. Hey, you’ve just given D.K. a taste of his own barrel-flavored medicine. Note how he becomes dizzy when struck with his own barrel. Ha, ha! Pro Tip: Repeat this process two more times.
After D.K. has been struck three times, he collapses in a heap for several seconds. Then he rises to his feet, dusts off his fur, and hauls Pauline up through the top of the screen. The totals for this section of the game:
Stage 4-9: 92 seconds
Stage 4-10: 113 seconds
Stage 4-11: 80 seconds
Stage 4-12: 165 seconds
Total: 450 seconds. Number of Marios in my Mario Tank: 39.
Next on my to-do list: level 45. It seems we’re heading into an entirely new section of the game called DESERT.
