Once I’d mastered the art of the fire-prevention poster–and landed first-prize three years in a row, which consisted of a satin blue ribbon and a hand-crushing handshake from the chief of the volunteer fire department–I grew restless as an artist and began looking for new challenges. I got wind of another contest being held in the nearby city of Rome at the Zayre Department Store. I decided to investigate.

Rome was approximately a half hour’s drive away from where we lived. Exciting things happened in Rome. If you wanted to see a movie, you went to Rome. If you needed your driver’s license renewed, you went to Rome. When the Pepsi Challenge finally came to our area, after months of watching the TV commercials of regular people being shocked and pleased that Pepsi tasted better than “the other leading cola,” it came to Rome.

Other exciting things that came to Rome: the Harlem Globetrotters, The King and His Court (a four-man softball team that would take on local nine-man teams and beat the stuffing out of them), and Joie Chitwood’s Thrill Show. If Meatloaf was on tour, however, he wouldn’t come to Rome–he’d instead go to Utica or Syracuse.

The contest at the Zayre Department Store was a holiday-themed contest. Unlike the fire-prevention contest, in which I had the freedom to express myself however I saw fit, the Zayre Department Store contest was a lowly coloring contest. As a burgeoning artist, this was beneath me, and a step in the wrong direction. I hadn’t “colored” anything in at least two years at that point. Coloring, I had said on more than one occasion, was for babies.

Still, this contest was a Rome contest. The pool of entrants would be massive, and potentially far more talented, than the entrants in our small-scale, local fire-prevention contests. If I was ever going to find out what I was worth as an artist, then I had to go to Rome.

Time for us to make a run at stage 8-1. Welcome to the very first of the ROCKY VALLEY section of stages. In the same way that JUNGLE was made out of, well, jungle, and SHIP was made out of ship, ROCKY VALLEY is predominantly made out of rocks. We’ve got four enemies in total to contend with: two hideous fish swimming underwater; and two fat, dopey mice circling a pair of vertically stacked blocks in a counterclockwise fashion in the very center of the stage. The hideous fish are 100-percent more deadly than the fat, dopey mice. If one of those toothy bastards, which look like fish who’ve been stung in the face by bees, even touches you, it’ll cost you a Mario.

The key is at the bottom of the stage’s miniature sea. But, before we go after it, let’s follow the trail of Pauline’s hat, umbrella, and handbag, which, as I’ve learned from playing the previous 76 stages of Donkey Kong, can be clues as to where the designers want me to go.

First, grab her sunhat, which is low-hanging fruit, on the right side of the stage. Then trigger the nearby ladder portable ladder power-up and position it as far to the right as you possibly can. Climb up the ladder, which will take you to a second, smaller ladder, which will take you to the very top of the stage.

Up here, you can see the pair of stacked blocks that the mice are circling. The umbrella is off to the left of the blocks. Use the nearby portable block to get to the umbrella, and more importantly, get back to structure you’re standing on. Pro Tip: If you fall while fetching the umbrella, simply make the loop again, starting with the portable ladder at the bottom. If you didn’t fall, bravo, Master of Donkey Kong. Terrific jumping. Your next stop is the handbag, which is in the very center of the structure you’re standing on. Use skillful falling to get into this crevasse. Remember this cave-y area where the handbag is located, because this is where the key will be in a minute or so.

Now, head down into the water, hurling yourself into the depths like a Mexican cliff diver, taking care to avoid those fish with the bee-stung faces. Swim to the bottom left. Pro Tip #2: If a fish is bearing down on you, hurl the key at it. Hurled key beats fish every time. Remember, when you are carrying the key, you cannot swim; you can only walk along the bottom of the sea. Be careful when jumping across the pair of chasms–such a dramatic word, “chasms”–at the very bottom of the sea. If you fall into one of those things, you and the key will be lost forever.

Once you’ve reached the right side of the sea area, what you want to do is get the key to the platforms above you. You’ve done this sort of thing a million times so far in the game. Jump up, then toss the key skyward at the apex of your jump. Then swim up and reclaim the key. Do this a second time, and the key should be above sea-level now, up on dry land.

Get out of the water, claim the key again. Trigger the portable ladder, placing it against the righthand wall again, then do one more jump-toss, putting the key into the cave-y area where we collected the handbag.

Now, quickly climb the portable ladder, then the second, smaller ladder. Then, using the mice-covered blocks, skillfully fall back into the handbag area, and grab the key for the final time. From here, you and the key can easily make the jump to the lefthand side, and the exit door. In the immortal words of Clubber Lang, “Ain’t so bad, ROCKY VALLEY.”