As usual, my mother was having some minor computer issues over the holidays and asked me to take a look at her laptop for her. Because of my job, everyone always thinks I’m a computer wizard of some kind. I’m not. I used to care about computers and technology when I was a kid. I subscribed to all kinds of weird, obscure PC hobbyist-type magazines. But as I got older, I cared less and less about the inner-workings of the machines, and more about just using the machines to get other things done, like my writing.

My mom uses a Verizon broadband card to connect to the ‘Net. But since we were in my brother’s house, I saw no reason why she shouldn’t use the house Wi-fi instead, and not deplete her monthly quota of data. So that was one thing that I could do for her. Also: I’d recently switched browsers to Google’s Chrome, which I’d been enjoying. So that was another thing I could do for her. I bookmarked some key pages for her, then added a few application icons to her desktop dock, for easier access.

“Boom, there you go,” I said to her, sliding her MacBook Air back in her direction. “Good as new.”

“What if I can’t get my Verizon card working again?” she asked.

I assured her that it would not be a problem to get her Verizon card working again.

Later that day, my mom, dad and I went for a drive. My mom sat in the backseat with her computer. “Guess what, Scott?” she said. “The Verizon card isn’t working.” She sighed in a dramatic, disappointed way. “I can’t get on Facebook, because the card is no longer working.”

“What do you mean it isn’t working?” I asked.

“It’s not working. I can’t get it to connect now.” She handed me the computer in the front seat.

I fooled around with the card, unplugging it and plugging it in again, switching it on and off. She was right: it wasn’t working. “You’re right, mom,” I said. “It’s not working.”

“Great,” she said in a sarcastic fashion. “I knew this would happen!” she said.

My blood began to boil. GODDAMN IT ALL, PEOPLE, I AM NOT A COMPUTER EXPERT, I wanted to scream. I NEVER ONCE CLAIMED TO BE.

I tried to come up with reasons why the card might not be working. We were driving through a particularly barren stretch of Central New York–nothing but frost-bitten cornfields around us in every direction. “Maybe we’re too far away from the signal towers,” I said, peering at the horizon.

She kept pressing me for answers, kept pressing me to figure it out for her somehow, to make it work again. Let me tell you, there is nothing I hate worse than letting her down, of all people. I can’t take it when she’s disappointed in me, even in small ways. It’s like having birds peck at me in the face and neck region. I just wanted it to stop.

She sat in the backseat, arms folded and looking out the window, pouting a little.

I tried to keep my anger in check, tried to be reasonable, tried to figure out why this was happening, why technology had to screw me like this, especially in front of my mom. I kept plugging and unplugging the card like an idiot. Work, goddamn it all, I said to myself. Work, work, work, work.

“I can’t get it to work,” I said, handing the computer back to her.

“So now what am I supposed to do?”

“You’ll have to take it to the Verizon store, and let them look at it,” I said. Then I added, “I don’t have all the answers.”

“Great,” she said. She kept looking out the back window. “Now I have to go out of my way to make a special trip to the Verizon store.” I could feel her smoldering back there. “That is just great,” she said.

I sat in the front seat, my jaw clenched, my fingernails digging into the armrest, trying to contain the series of nuclear explosions of anger and frustration I was feeling inside.

“See? That’s why I don’t fool with those things,” my dad said to the both of us, shaking his head.

Stage 5-3. OK, so there’s a lot going on in this level–ladders going off in all kinds of crazy directions, dual elevators going up and down, super hammer-time hammers, switches, portable bridges and ladders, etc. This is easily the busiest level I’ve encountered in the game so far. Hell, it’s even got a femur-hurling skull head that you have to keep an eye on. It’s a madhouse.

I did manage to pull this off on my first try–and with 130 seconds to spare, too. No, I didn’t collect all of Pauline’s accessories, or explore every cranny of the level. But I did get it done. Here’s how I did it.

I travelled the level in a clockwise pattern, following the ladders and platforms upwards and to the right, until I reached the going-down elevator all the way on the righthand side of the screen. The elevator carried me back to the bottom tier again, specifically on the right side of the bottom tier, which is the place to be. Here I found two key elements: a portable ladder and portable bridge power-up. Pro Tip: Whenever you find these types of power-ups, you should be on the lookout for any broken ladders or gaps in the level that could benefit from having a bridge. Sure enough, there is a small, half-finished area just above me in dire need of both.

Trigger both power-ups in tandem–they’re located a jump or two away from one another–and place them in the areas where they logically belong. Once they are in place, quickly climb the now-complete ladder, pull the switch (located at the top of the ladder) from left to right, then hustle across the temporary bridge and climb the ladder at its midpoint before the bridge vanishes.

You’ll have to be quick. If you run out of time, don’t fret. Simply start the process all over again. Have faith in the knowledge that on one of these attempts, you’ll be quick enough.

The switch reverses the elevator, making it travel down (the direction you need it to go in) instead of up. Continue to climb upwards until you find a claustrophobic cave-like area where the key is located. Grab the key, then take the elevator–which, as I said, is now conveniently going down–back down to the bottom. Oh, what’s that right there? Is that the exit door? Why, it is the exit door. Guess what? Today’s level is finished. No, I didn’t collect all the junk that’s scattered about the level, which bugs me a little. (I prefer to feel like I’ve completely mastered each level, and squeezed all I can from it before pressing on.) But sometimes, in life, you just need to get the job done.

And the job for today is done.

Postscript: Looking back, the only thing I didn’t collect is Pauline’s hat. Otherwise, I got the handbag and the umbrella. And there was an “easy pickings” 1-up heart. But it was located far too close to the skull head, so I decided not to risk it. In retrospect, I feel like I got enough out of this level. And I didn’t lose a single Mario, something which hasn’t happened since the earliest stages of this venture. Next up: day 48.