After dinner on Friday night we drove into Rome to do a little family shopping and to pick up my entry form for the Holiday coloring contest. Going to the Zayre Department Store was part of our Friday night routine for us. As always, we walked through the automatic doors at the front of the store as a family, then promptly splintered off into departments that catered to our particular needs. Mom went to Housewares and Ladies Wear; dad went to Automotive; my brother went to Sports or Toys; I, naturally, went to Electronics.

No one ever bought anything. Well, sometimes mom would buy something dull and useful, like a frying pan that was on sale, or dad would buy motor oil for the car. Mostly what we did was this: we looked at things we couldn’t have and couldn’t afford, and wondered what it would be like to have them. I didn’t mind the wondering. Considering how often we visited  Zayre’s, I think we all enjoyed the wondering.

In the Electronics department, the once-mighty Atari 2600 had already begun its death-spiral. The department’s bargain bin was crammed with multiple copies of cartridges like Barnstorming and Kaboom!, games that my Atari 2600-owning uncle had purchased only months earlier at a premium. Now they were available for less than $10 apiece.

The most valuable stuff, of course, was locked up inside the glass display cases. This was where you could find all the VIC-20 peripherals–the CN2 Cassette Drive (a tape recorder that you could save programs), the 300 Baud VIC modem, the VIC 1515 Printer, etc. And this was also where you could find the Machine Code Monitor cartridge.

I peered at the Machine Code Monitor cartridge box cover. The cover showed a man standing on a bit of Tron-like flooring. A street sign in front of him did not name traditional streets, as a normal street sign would; instead, it featured words like “Data Bus Buffer” and “Accumulator.” He wore a stylish teal polo shirt and khakis. He was pointing off into the distance, towards a bank of glimmering stars. He’s trying to show me the way, I thought.

I had to win the coloring contest, had to win the one-minute shopping spree. I grabbed a stack of entry forms at the front of the store, just in case I needed a do-over or two. By the time we got home, it was after nine o’clock, which was late for our early-to-bed family. No matter. I switched on the lights above the kitchen table, then grabbed my art supplies. I sat down and went to work.

It’s time now for a closer look at stage 8-3. What we’ve got here is a vertical structure that is bookended by what appear to be a pair of waterfalls. At least, I’m fairly certain they’re waterfalls. Mario can swim through them, but it requires a hell of a lot of effort, i.e. taps of the A button, to do so. Also: there’s a weird bird which emerges from a nest icon, and which fly-swims through the waterfalls. This bird will kill you, so take care when you are doing your swim-struggling against the waterfall current to avoid it at all costs.

Though your strategy may ultimately differ from mine, here’s what I did to conquer today’s stage:

1. Swim upward, against the waterfall current, all the way to the very top of the level. Here’s how I swam: A button, A button, A button, A button, A button, A button, A button. If this sounds exhausting, that’s because it is. Once you’ve reached the top of the Mayan temple-like structure in the center of the stage, you will briefly emerge from the waterfall, and step onto dry land.

2. Cross from left to right across the top of the stage. Then I stepped back into the waterfall current, and lowered myself down to the opening where the switch is located. I pulled the switch to the right, which opens the barrier between you and the exit door down on one of the lower tiers. Once you’ve pulled the switch, head back into the waterfall current and swim upward, towards the key, which is stranded on a small outcropping above you.

3. Hammer on the A button, avoid the swim-flying bird, and retrieve the key.

4. Remember: when you are holding the key, you cannot swim; you can only fall. So, once you have the key, let the waterfall current carry you downward on the game’s first makeshift flume ride. Wheeeeee. As you fall, keep tapping left and right on the D-pad, steering Marion around the deadly sharpangles in his path.

5. At the very bottom of the level, wait for the rising-falling monolith to fall, then climb aboard. Yes, you are once again using a monolith as an elevator. Ride it up to the exit door. Reunite the key and the exit door. Voila, you’re finished.

There are obviously many other ways to approach this stage. There are longer, more circuitous routes to take. My feeling is this: the longer you linger in any stage in this game, the more that the odds of you being killed in some stupid fashion (like colliding with a swim-flying bird) go up. Get in, get what you need, and get out. That’s my Donkey Kong motto.