November 19, 2014 scottcjones 2Comments

UPDATE: Welp, I just got off the phone with Yahoo again. Long, painful phone call with a man who I believe was somewhere in India. As usual, he asked me about a hundred “security questions,” most of which I could not answer. (Him: “Who was your first crush?” Me: “…”) Also had a dodgy wireless connection during the call, further complicating matters. Between the two of us, I was able to gain access to the site again, which I am—with each successive Yahoo phone call—becoming more and more resentful towards. Anyway, I have access, so writing is imminent. Wishing this wasn’t such…

November 11, 2014 scottcjones 3Comments

As some of you have likely already realized, I’m having website woes due to an internal problem at WordPress and Yahoo Small Business. I’m trying to address it. I’m frustrated that I can’t update (or revise) right now. Thanks for your patience. Hoping to resolve this ASAP. Scott

November 4, 2014 scottcjones 7Comments

[Apologies for not writing sooner, folks. Been trying to get back to work, and trying to get back to work has taken a toll on me. I’m getting stronger, and getting stronger means that I’ll be writing regularly again soon. Thanks for your patience.] I woke up in a room which, for some inexplicable reason, I thought was the garage of my surgeon’s private home. I don’t know exactly what sorts of drugs the doctors had given me. Whatever they were, they were obviously potent enough to convince me that I’d woken up in the garage of my surgeon’s private home. (more…)

March 6, 2014 scottcjones 2Comments

[Read the first installment here. -Scott] When I was a boy—yes, another post that begins with those dreaded five words—I realized at a young age that I was blessed with two main talents. Talent One was my gift for committing the weekly TV Guide listings to memory. Talent Two was the ability to turn the smallest of concerns into insomnia-inducing, hand-wringing worries. In short, I was a prematurely anxious child who could reliably tell you when 60 Minutes was on (Sunday, 7 p.m., channel 5). Yes, I was quite a piece of work. (more…)

November 26, 2013 scottcjones 9Comments

HELLO AGAIN, FOLKS. Been a long time. Apologies for the hiatus. I won’t sugarcoat things. This has been an up and down—well, mostly down—year for me. I’m very much looking forward to putting 2013 behind me and being shut of the whole deal, for various reasons which I may or may not recount in these pages in the future. (more…)

August 21, 2013 scottcjones 5Comments

After a string of unseasonably warm spring days that had Chicagoans draping jackets over their shoulders and whistling as they walked to work, things took a turn. The temperature dropped. Clouds the color and size of battleships arrived from Canada. Snow began to fall. I was off from the restaurant two days off in a row—Sunday and Monday. I spent my snowbound mini-vacation in my low-ceilinged apartment reading novels on my futon, working my way through a video game titled The Legend Of Zelda: A Link To The Past, and listening to the electric baseboard heater in my apartment tick like…

July 9, 2013 scottcjones 3Comments

Loneliness, like a mangy vulture, turned in a slow, lazy circle above my Chicago life, always threatening to overwhelm me with its musty, oversized wings. I had two go-to strategies for keeping the vulture at bay. One, I could purchase a new video game—nothing lifted my spirits the way that breaking a $59.99 game out of plastic shrink-wrap did. Or, two, I could purchase a 12-pack from Lakeshore Liquors, and ramp up my beer intake. On an unseasonably warm evening in March, when neither of my go-to’s could stave off the vulture, I ventured into the unknown: a sex shop…

June 25, 2013 scottcjones 2Comments

The employee locker room at the East River Club featured an overwhelming array of hygiene products including aftershave, two kinds of moisturizer, soaps, hair gels, deodorant, tonics, sprays, and colognes. All of these products, including the mouthwash, were a shade of faded green that reminded me of a wrinkled dollar bill that had been put through the wash. The products were manufactured by a company named “Clubman.” The Clubman label featured the silhouette of a dandy wearing a top hat and tails and leaning on a cane in a leisurely fashion. The implication was clear: If you used Clubman, no…

June 6, 2013 scottcjones 1Comment

About a month after “Splash Dance,” as Reynaldo had dubbed my dousing of the Oprah doppleganger, just as I was starting to ease into a routine at the Club, Mr. Galanti hired a new waiter named Dave. Dave was tall with hair the texture and color of wood shavings and a mouth that seemed to be disproportionately small in relation to the rest of his face. He’d famously arrived for his initial interview at the East River Club on a skateboard. When Mr. Galanti introduced Dave as the staff’s newest addition, Dave gave a brief “funny” speech about himself. He…

May 31, 2013 scottcjones 2Comments

My tray-carrying skills improved more quickly than anyone could have anticipated. Within days, I found myself traveling from one end of the restaurant to the other at full speed, feet churning under me, with a drinks-crammed tray borne aloft on my fingertips. Could I pull off a bottle of chablis and four wine glasses? Two bottles of cabernet and eight wine glasses? What about three bottles of zinfandel, eight wine glasses, and three Old Fashioneds? I discovered that I could do all of these things, and more. Even the way the glassware chattered next to my ear as I moved,…