I had a girlfriend named Amy in 1993. Delicate features, pale skin, green eyes. Met her in Chicago, in a bar. I was starting graduate school in the fall soon. I asked her to come with me, to take a chance. Amy was an adventurous spirit. She agreed. As soon as I got to the university, I realized that I’d made a terrible mistake bringing Amy here. I wanted to be single, wanted to be free. Still, I went through the motions for a few months. Amy and I found an apartment on Genesee Street. She took a job in…
I had an idea of how my life was going to turn out. I had a plan. My plan was this: I was going to be a teacher. Preferably a college professor. Or, failing that, an instructor at a tony private school in the New England states, not unlike the one that Robin Williams teaches at in the movie Dead Poets Society. I would have my summers off, during which I would sip tea and tinker with my thousand-page novel in the afternoons and kiss my cute wife in the evenings. Each fall I’d select a turtleneck from my collection…
>Sometimes our bodies do something so shocking and unexpected that one’s outlook on life is often forever changed by it. What you are about to read is an account of one of those moments. [Side note: This is something that happened a few years ago, back when I was still living and working in New York City. And if this story sounds familiar, that’s because I’ve told it before. Regardless, enjoy.]Last Tuesday morning I was in the men’s room here at the office having a pee when I felt a bit of gas trying to work itself out. It suddenly…
>[Note: This is a post that I wrote a few years back for my now-defunct old blog. It’s not for kids. So, if you are a kid GO AWAY. DON’T READ THIS. GO DO SOMETHING WHOLESOME. SUGGESTION: EAT A SLICE OF WONDER BREAD WHILE READING THE BIBLE. Are all the kids gone? OK, good. Now, fasten your seatbelts, folks. It’s going to be a bumpy night. -jones]I was in Orlando recently for a videogame-related event. They booked me in cavernous Sheraton situated in an industrial park. Rain fell constantly, blurring the view from my room of the parking lot.I went…
Drank away Labor Day weekend. Phone rang a few times, but I didn’t answer. Instead, I sat in the dark, blinds drawn, drinking. Sunday afternoon, I decided to treat myself. I phoned the Thai place on 79th Street for a pick-up order. As soon as the woman heard my voice, she said, “Let me guesss–you want coconut soup?” It was exactly what I wanted. “How did you know?” I said, already knowing the answer. “Because you order it all the time,” she said. “Every weekend, coconut soup, coconut soup, coconut soup.” I felt embarrassed. Ashamed of my own predictability. “It’s…
Was taking my bike out through the basement exit yesterday–per co-op rules, anything you can’t carry has to go in or out through the basement–when I saw a man letting his dog shit on the tiny wedge of grass in front of the building. I rode by the man, on my out to the park. Then decided, Fuck this. I stopped. Turned back. “Excuse me,” I say, trying to be polite. “Did your dog just take a shit back there?” This is one of those third-person, disembodied moments, when I can’t really believe I’m doing what I’m doing. It’s like…
